Hump Day

I've not posted on here for months. I've been a busy man!

Anyway, Hump Day. Sounds interesting yeah? NO.

So I'm sitting here, minding my own business, when I think to myself, I'll check Twitter. So I log on, and notice my girlfriend has tweeted :

Happy Hump Day

Now while i try to contain my excitement I start thinking this seems to good to be true. Have Durex released a special bank holiday that women must obey, must like Valentines Day where I am forced to buy flowers and food and cards and balloons? Is this a day where i can just go to bed and hump for god sake??

No, it's Wednesday, and the hump refers to the fact that half the week is behind up and after today the working week is closer to being over than it is to the start.

Piss.

Little black balls

Seeing as I haven't made any new posts on my blog in the last 7 years or so i thought I'd do a little update on my life.

Wolves ar doing shit, my girlfriend gets 9 months off work and I have a poorly leg :'(

I've drank lots of wine, I've ate lots of food and I've started playing football, I like to vision myself playing at Camp Nou, but unfortunatly its at the 5-a-side pitches at UEA Norwich. There are these little rubber ball things all over the pitch and I swear for the next 6 days i find them all over, no matter how much i shower, I can play football on a Monday, then on a Friday, take a piss and find a little black rubber ball floating in the toilet. This may have something to do with the amount of time i spend on the floor because im a clumsy fucker.. or the fact I eat them when people are looking at things other than me :|

Peace brothers

Feeling Christmassy

Wow, it's December already!

I love Christmas, mostly due to the fact I am a child trapped in an adults body. So December 1st, I got the tree down from the loft, decorated the bad boy and placed it in the doorway so EVERYONE can see it's there. I've also been baking Christmas things, like mince pies, and today, a quiche... I know what your thinking, quiche isn't a Christmas food, but when I'm making it, it is. So there.

I told my girlfriend I want to get all Christmassy this year, listen to songs, make sausage rolls (again, they are Christmas food when I make it) and dress like an elf. So I'm about to go to ASDA and get an elf costume. I think I will look pretty awesome as an elf. I mean lets face it, its the best job in the world bar none.. Well perhaps that bloke who tweaked J-Lo's nipples for her photo shoots http://www.amyth.com/Odd/imgs/Lopez-Tweaker.jpg has a pretty good job.. and that guy who got to blog about living on a paradise island http://www.islandreefjob.com had pretty good job too, but I personally would choose to be an elf every time. You get full turkey dinner every day, unlimited mince pies and you get to play with fucking reindeer! You don't get to do that on a paradise island and I'm pretty sure there's no mince pies or reindeer between J-Lo's boobs.

Wonder if I can convince the girlfriend to dress as an elf too, that would make bedtime pretty exciting ;) In fact, scrap that, I'm gonna buy her a reindeer costume... going to end it here, don't want my fantasies being known by everyone.

Being unwell, is crap

Ok so I'm I'll. I've felt rough as Clive Owen's chin for a few days, and it's developed into full blown "unwell". It has given me some time to reflect on things that I usually don't care about. Like our upstairs bathroom, I mean it's a nice bathroom, about 8'x8' but while sitting on the toilet I can't see out the window as it's behind me, how stupid is that. I live opposite a massive field full of cows, surrounded by woods and I'm forced to sit here 5 hours a day looking at plasterboarded walls. The downstairs bathroom doesn't have a window so I don't have to worry about toilet placement in there... But we feed the cats in that room so it smells like GoCat. Better than smelling of my arse though I suppose.

In other news this week, me and my girlfriend celebrated our 1 year anniversary this week. In a year I've moved 200 miles, got engaged, succesfully tried for a baby (due April) and I have learnt what it is I need to get on with my girlfriends 12 year old daughter.. Strongbow

Until next time America

Lounge Pants

I haven't posted for a while, but I've had nothing to say of interest... not that my last posts were interesting...

Anyway... LOUNGE PANTS!! They are the future. They're basically just pyjama bottoms, but no man who is cool wears pyjamas. We sleep naked. The reason for this is simple, so we can be ready at any point in the night to have sex with our partner should she wake up at 4am feeling like she wants it, although, since time began, this is yet to happen, we still sleep naked, just incase, and the removal of clothing may ruin the moment.

So yesterday I got some of these bad boys from TK Maxx, and spent the whole of Sunday lounging around, I watched TV, I played Xbox and cooked tea, I couldn’t of done this in my jeans, no chance, and I couldn’t really of done it naked, pizza and genitals is never a good mix.

They will redefine your whole life, just don’t wear them to bed, you might miss out on sex :(

Video+

At home, I have Sky+ HD. It's pretty awesome. Picture quality is impressive, sounds good and the Electronic Program Guide is easy to use. It's pretty simple too, it sets itself up, so there's no need to put the time and date in like your programming the clock on your microwave only for somebody else to come along and turn it off at the wall rendering your 40 minutes of hard work useless as you, as a male, refuse to use the 5 step easy set up guide. It made me wonder how people coped with missing TV shows before the Sky+ revolution.

There was of course Video+. This was a great concept, every show (well most) had a unique code that you could programme in to your VCR and by magic it would record the show you wanted to watch. Only thing is, I don’t think I've ever met anyone who ever got this to work. My dad for instance, was determined to use the Scotch cassettes to record on long play when we went out and he wanted to record something, forcing you to fast forward through 4 hours of shit before getting to the film you were after, only for it to cut off just before then end and you never get to find out what happens after then fun fair at the end of Grease.

Thankfully Sky+ sorts this problem... Unless somebody puts Hollyoaks to record and it overwrites your recording, so rather than finding out the end to Grease, you instead find out whose turn it is this week to shag the barmaid.

Parents do the funniest things..

There was once a baby boy born in India, his name was Ramachandra. His parents had had 3 sons before him who had all died at a very young age, and a daughter who hadn't. So his parents (believing that there sons were all cursed) who must have taken a good, twenty-twenty minutes deciding, took the only logical option with their new born son... They dressed him as baby girl, pierced his nose and gave him a nose ring. They treated him as a girl for several years until they had another son. This earned they boy the nick name 'Nathuram' literally meaning, Ram with a nose ring. He later grew up to assassinate Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, aka Mahatma Gandhi (or Gandhi to his best friend Michael J. Fox).

Ramchandra 'Nathuram' Godse was charged with another man Narayan Apte for Gandhi’s death, after Apte had predicted it using his self proclaimed 'expert' future prediction. He claimed that by murdering Gandhi, India and Pakistan would be 'MAGICALLY' reunified.

OK so here’s where it gets so interesting, you may possibly have to pick you jaw up off the floor. Ramachandra Godse is an anagram for "Chased Mandragora", Mandragora is the Latin name for the Mandrake plant, a plant that has long since been considered to posses MAGICAL properties.

So here's my theory (and yes it is mine I didn’t steal it) Apte thought that because Godse's name can be rearranged to spell the name of 'magical' plant, that was the magic that would reunite India with Pakistan. I can only imagine the "chased" bit referred to Gandhi running away before being shot, 3 times, at point blank range, using (WAIT FOR IT)

A GUN MADE FROM A MANDRAKE PLANT*

CASE CLOSED

*this part of the story may or may not be true but it finish it off nicely